Had to ban a guy from the Hub yesterday. he was abusive towards the centre staff. not terribly violent, but totally unwilling to obey any of the rules we have in place for the protection of everyone else at the Hub. he was especially hard on me - pushed me a couple times, spit on me, tackled me into a couch, and tried to shove a cookie in my face (this is a guy in his late teens, mind you). also blew smoke in my face...not tobacco smoke either. none of these things by itself would be all that bad, even as i write this i'm wondering if his behavior was all that terrible towards me.
by the end of the night, i was feeling a lot of anger and resentment, and also a bit of shame. why doesn't he respect me? he respects some of the other LCM staff there. why do i let his behavior bother me? should i just take it?
I came home and read the beatitudes from matthew 5 and 6 (o.k., I'll admit it: first i sat and stewed for about 3 hours, and then at 1 a.m. i picked up the bible 'cuz i had nowhere else to go). jesus' words were full of comfort. i was feeling like the lowest, weakest, poorest guy around, and jesus says in his kindgom those people are highly blessed. i don't think i'm reading too much into what he says to see the abuse i took at the Hub as part of what Jesus was talking about when he said that his family is blessed when people abuse and devour them, because they also abused and devoured him. there's something redemptive about suffering abuse silently for the name of Jesus.
jesus also had some challenging words for me last night. he also says in Matt 5-6 that life in his family involves laying down our rights for the sake of others, and putting our heart motives into perspective. take for example what he says about anger in relationship to how i felt towards the Hub lad. i was particularly challenged by his call to pray for our enemies.
i had prayed for this guy earlier in the evening, but it was more of a cheesy Christian prayer "God, please come into his life and make him a believer"; and it didn't really flow from a heart that cared for the guy. After reading Matthew, i prayed that God would bless him with a job, and that his mind would be clear (he's a bit crazy, whether from drugs or what i don't know). i did pray that God would change his heart, but this time out of a desire to see him choose life instead of death, and desiring to see Jesus exalted as darkness is overcome by the light.
the bad feelings aren't gone, and i'm still struggling to figure out how to follow Jesus in the way of wisdom concerning how we as a centre should deal with behavior at the hub in the future, and what kind of relationship we should have with the guys (rule enforcers, friends, mentors, flies on the wall, all of the above?).
4 comments:
Dan, It's good to see how God is molding you and challenging you. It's good also to read your vulnerability. God always blesses those who pray for their enemies by instilling love. It's a mystery. But it's true.
Enjoyed talking with you yesterday. Give Somer my love.
~Geniene
Dan, My heart went out to you as I read what that guy did. And yes, it was terrible. I would feel all those things, too. I'm glad God's using this incident to work in your heart...but I still hate it for you. Pam
dan the bouncer,
helplessness is a good place to be. i don't envy you - but i can also tell you from the safe distance of 3000+ miles...it's a good place for you to be. and the helplessness is more than being attacked by some kid...or having your dignity assaulted by him. it's the knowledge that you're a guest - both in the country, as well as in the organization. it's not the way you would handle it if you were in philly. and you can't! and you know it. it's not the way you would go about things if it were your own organization. and so you have to humbly submit...both to the cultural differences and to the organization you're trying to serve. and that creates a helplessness that goes far deeper than any other injustice you've had to experience. like i said, i don't envy you. but in another way, i do. because it's only through the total humiliation of self that God is able to shine through and do what we could never accomplish. ...looking forward to hearing what great things God does in you and through you, bro!
Alan
Dan-Actually, I have found similar situations in subbing in the local high school. Last week a class was supposed to watch a certain video and one of the students stuck in another video not approved by the teacher. As I was trying to turn off the TV, he came up behind me and reached over me to undo what I was trying to do. Several students were cheering him on. I had 5 students removed from the class that day and I refused to let them back in the class the next day. I came home thinking many of the things you were thinking. But then I finally came to my senses and realized that Satan himself was at work in those students. It was Christ they were rebelling against. To be honest, in situations like this, I have difficulty remembering we are all made in God's image. I hate it that you have to endure this, though. Praise God, He is sovereign!
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